What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
You Might Also Like
nobody’s gonna understand
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael