I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I鈥檇 give Titanic a 9/10
*bites zombie*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won鈥檛 be that bad
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyonc茅 “
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
This is why I don鈥檛 delete Facebook
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won鈥檛 stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
馃馃敟馃馃敟
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”