My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
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I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Uh oh…
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
one last job
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.