Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.