When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Can’t stop laughing
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that