Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye