[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
become ungovernable
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
#polloftheday
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”