[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
not for long
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.