Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.