Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good