ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Greeting humans vs their dogs
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
So inspired right now.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.