I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Harsh but fair
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.