My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
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These work great until they don’t.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”