Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.