DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You Might Also Like
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Don’t talk down to me
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!