If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Optional boss fight.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.