My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day