If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time