(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.