Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”