Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…