Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
inventing words: clothing
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Don’t snitch tag.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Morning.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?