ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
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Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no