How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.