Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
gm
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S