I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I’m confused about plants
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
What number SPF blocks people?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet