Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*