took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
new wife guy just dropped
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?