Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin: