I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
me after drinking all the wine:
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”