God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”