if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me as a therapist: omg same
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
describing stardew valley
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.