Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*