Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.