Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
#Caturday
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
me opening up to someone
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.