Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.