Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
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[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.