Overindulged this afternoon.
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
When you’re Kinky but poor
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
PER MY LAST EMAIL
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes