Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.