Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Gods work.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”