Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.