PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it