My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
You Might Also Like
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no