I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.