[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Good Morning.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Worst Native American name ever.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.