FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.