My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.