I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
look at me when i’m typing to you
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?