Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.