so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
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The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
How I like cutting carbs
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
What about second breakfast?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*